i'm so tired i can't sleep.

"There’s always that one person. No matter how many relationships they’ve had, how many times they didn’t respond to your text, how many times they ignored you, how many times they made you feel like you didn’t matter, how many times you sit on the floor crying because of them, or made you feel like shit; no matter how many times you say they don’t matter, deep down, every time that they text you, look at you, give you a hug, even just say your name; your walls break down and you can’t help but be happy. Even if you don’t want to be."

Por mucho que lo niegue. Por mucho que quiera dejar de pensar.

 I'll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can't live without.

No eres para mí. Nunca lo has sido. Nunca has sido para mí. O igual sí.
Es que igual nunca lo sabré.
Igual no es lo que debe ser.
Estoy cabreada conmigo misma. Y estoy harta, y estoy confusa, y no sé qué hacer.
No creo que deba intentarlo más, no creo que deba luchar. ¿Por qué? Porque soy débil. Y más que nada porque estoy cansada. Sí, muchas veces lo pienso, pienso que no pierdo nada y que realmente merece la pena intentarlo, pero es que llevo tanto tiempo corriendo en círculos. Sólo consigo una gran indiferencia y quieras o no, eso al final acaba doliendo.

I'm gonna break down these walls I've buit around myself. I wanna fall so in love with you and no one else.

Pero cuando por fin parecía que te había encontrado. Estaba segura.
Algo tenia sentido en mi vida después de todo.
O eso parecía.

All I need is someone who can stay, no matter how hard it is to be with me. I've given up on so many things, please don't ask me to give up on you.

Me contradigo tanto...

No entiendo nada. Nunca he entendido tu carácter extraño. Y no creo que nunca lo haga.
No creo que nunca te llegue a conocer de la forma en la que me gustaría. Supongo que tendré que empezar a meterme en la cabeza la idea de que esto se ha quedado en la historia que pudo haber sido y no fue, que progresivamente harás como todo el mundo y te olvidarás de que existo.

"I hate how we never got our chance to see how things could've turned out. I hate how I know I'm not over you, yet I pretend to be."

Perecías el adecuado.

"Don't tell me he's not worth it. How many times have I heard you whine over a guy because you liked him, and you didn't know what he was thinking? And did I once say, 'Oh. Fuck him. He's not worth it anyways.'? No, because I know how hard that is to hear. "

Fui una ingenua al pensar que con el tiempo esto iría a más, porque no ha hecho más que ir a menos. Y, no sé. Realmente no sé. No sé qué pasa. No sé qué piensas, no sé qué quieres. No me pones las cosas fáciles.

"One of the hardest parts of life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder."

Es cierto que soy una persona cerrada. Me cuesta abrirme a la gente si no me muestran confianza. Y eso es algo que no me puedo esforzar por conseguir por mucho que quiera. Si tú no pones de tu parte. Por mucho que me joda.

That's what happens, you let people in, and they destroy you.

Eh, supongo que no soy lo que esperabas. Supongo que no soy lo que nadie espera. Nunca seré lo suficientemente buena, supongo.
Soy una persona extraña y rota, pero eso no lo he escogido yo.

"I need someone to prove to me that I'm worth it, really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Honestly, I thought you were that person but I was wrong. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way I did for you? You never even thanked me. I acted the way I did because I cared. I didn't realize it then, but I do now. I don't do that for just anyone. So, call me crazy, but today.. today i realized that I can't keep waiting for you. I'm moving on, I can't stay in one place waiting. I can't be around you anymore. I'm not over it, I don't get over things fast, I never have, no matter how much I try and convince myself. I'll see you around sometime. I keep thinking maybe somehow, something will click and everything will go back to the way it was in the beginning. Maybe we could go back to that, but too much has been said and done. So, maybe you'll get one more chance from me, maybe you won't."

Dije que no derramaría ni una sola lágrima por ti porque realmente no tiene sentido y no merece la pena, pero no sé, se me ha metido tan dentro que ya es difícil.
Parece que nunca cumplo mis promesas.
Parece que nunca consigo lo que quiero.
Parece que si no veo un camino fácil abandono a la primera.

Si alguien realmente te quiere en su vida te lo demuestra. ¿Qué me estás demostrando tú?
Esa es la excusa que pongo. Mi patética forma de intentar excusarme.

Supongo que soy así porque ya he tenido malas experiencias antes.

"It's hard to have faith in people when almost everyone around you has walked out on your life at some point. It hurts, to be honest. It's hard to trust people when you know for a fact you shouldn't. 

(...) 

When someone gives you attention when you have nobody to be there for you, they are a hero. They lift you up and they just fix your broken pieces without even realizing it. Then they leave, and you have to start over again. 

There is no perfect friendship. There is no perfect relationship. Bullshit will come up when you least expect it. Jealousy will come out of nowhere. At times you will feel replaced and at times you will feel like giving up. Just don't go that far. Don't give up. You'll argue, and you won't talk for days, but nobody says it has to be over."

No sé por qué estoy escribiendo esto. No sé qué coño estoy haciendo. No sé qué coño estoy haciendo con mi vida. ¿Cómo hemos acabado así?

Yo... No puedo comportarme normal en esta situación. Se ha vuelto tan forzada y tan incómoda. Ciertamente llevo mucho tiempo diciendo que ya basta, que no la quiero aguantar más, que no puedo, pero aquí sigo, haciéndome trizas por dentro cuando tú ni siquiera tienes idea de nada. Ni puta idea de nada.

Si supieras.

What if.

¿Y si...? ¿Qué pasaría si...?

Parece que me voy a quedar con la duda. Porque somos un par de gilipollas.

Cuantas coincidencias, ¿no? ¿Es esto cosa del destino? ¿De ese hijo de puta? ¿De ese hijo de puta en el que no creo?

Oh my God, it was written in blood.

Tengo miedo.
No quiero ser un agobio.
No necesito que nadie me recuerde lo triste que es mi vida.
Gracias, pero no.

"If you consider giving up on someone, you probably already have."

Es tan triste.
Ver como gente que conoces se convierten en personas que conocías. Cómo si nunca hubieran sido una gran parte de tu vida. Cómo si no hubierais pasado interminables horas hablando y ahora apenas os saludáis.


Por otra banda el pasado parece estar siempre acechando. Ahí, recordándote cosas que preferirías olvidar.

"Girl, don't you ever give up. I know your heart may be breaking, and I know you might feel like you can't go on without him. Trust me, I know how it all feels. But do you think his heart is breaking over you? Do you think he's wasting his days away, laying in bed thinking of the good ol' times? No. He's going to move on with his life. And guess what? You are too. You are going to super glue your heart right back together, and go on with life. With or without him. And someday, there will be a new guy. Maybe this guy will be the one, or maybe he will just be a temporary guy. But either way, you will move on. To much better things. But for now, you need to get up and forget about the guy who forgot about you."

Que salgas de mi cabeza. Es todo lo que pido.
Ya que no puedo hacer más.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in this whole getting over you process, it’s that your always going to mean something to me no matter what happens. Your always gonna be somewhere deep down inside me. Even when I’m happily married to the man of my dreams, if I were to run into you on the street and those gorgeous blue eyes were to meet mine, my heart would skip a beat because I’ll never forget you and the way you made me feel.

(...)I miss you. No, let me correct that, I miss the old you. I miss the old you that cared about me and hate old you that would treat me so well. The old you that would talk to me every day and always have me smiling. I miss the old you that made me happy and knew what to say at any given point in time. I miss the old us. 

if you give up on me i'm going to give up on me too.

Supongo que no estoy hecha para las historias bonitas.

hyperinsomnia.

(Nótese que he quoteado a  este blog inumerables veces porque me ha parecido super apropiado.)